Last night, I played an open mic in Fayetteville, and upon leaving the venue, decided I’d stop by a drive-thru. It just so happened that McDonald’s was the first thing I saw, so I stopped.

Cashier: Can I take yo’ orda?
Jon: Um, yeah, I’d like a quarter-pounder with cheese meal, with no onions, and a coke to drink.
Cashier: You want something else?
Jon: Actually, yeah, I’ll take two apple pies.
Cashier: OK, den, you drive around to first window.

At this point, I did as any hungry person does and drove right around to window one. I paid, and proceeded to window two.

Associate 1 (Female): What kind of drink you had?
Jon: Um, Coke.
Female: Oh, ok. Here. I think that’s Diet Coke, but check to make sure.
Jon: Uhhhh, I said Coke, not Diet Coke.
Female: Oh, ok den.

She then proceeds to give me a Coke with foam spilling over the top and no lid. Who the hell drinks their fast food drink in the car with no lid on it?

Jon: Can I have a lid?
Female: Oh, Lord! —incoherent southern/jamaican nonsense words followed by hysterical laughter—

So I get my lid, and now someone else comes into the picture. It’s a skinny guy who comes into view spouting off some reggae at the top of his lungs. Without even flinching, he segues from some Beenie Man right into asking me:

Associate 2 (Male): How you want yo’ sannwich?
Jon: No onions.
Male: Word – that’s what’s up.
Female: Boooah boooah boooah! (as often heard in reggae music)

So now I’m right in the middle of a reggae concert. I wonder if that’s how it’ll be in Jamaica… Anyway, forging on. Sean Paul gives me my burger in the box only – no bag. After a short pause, the guy comes back:

Male: So you need somethin’ else?
Jon: How about some fries?
Male: No doubt. We keep it real here.

I was stunned at how he was responding to my queries. It was like me asking for my fries was making me one of them.

So he hands me the fries, this time in a bag. So at this point, in my possession are a quarter-pounder with cheese, boxed, a coke, and a medium order of fries in a bag large enough for the entire meal. So what’s next?

Jon: Um, I did have 2 apple pies.
Female: Here you go. (Like she just spawned them mid-air. I never saw her reach for them.)
Jon: (After taking inventory) OK, I guess I just need a straw.
Female: (Handing me a straw) Boooah boooah boooah!
Male: Shabba shabba shabbaaaaaaaa!!!
Jon: (trying not to burst into laughter) Oh, and can I have a couple of napkins?

Well, it was as if asking for napkins was the ailment that killed Bob Marley, because everything stopped. The girl walked away, and the guy took about 2.5 minutes to get me 3 napkins. But before he let me go, he said to me:

Male: You make sure you come back here soon. We keeps it real here.

Wow. It was truly a memorable experience. I wanted badly to be mad at the people for taking so long for such a simple order. I half expected to find onions on a cold burger, or ganja-laced apple pies, but the meal was surprisingly decent.

And all in all, I couldn’t tell whether I should have felt worse for these people or the people waiting behind me in line.

Keep it real. Boooah boooah boooah.

-jon